Big Emotions for a Big Day I've Been Dreading

So, today was the day that I broke it to my nanny about my leave of absence from work coming up.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.  Our nanny is like a member of our family.  She treats our family like we are her own and our kids like they are her grandkids.   When I broke the news to her, we were both sniffling through the conversations with teary eyes.  What breaks my heart was that her main concern was not for her own employment, but whether or not she could still come and visit the kids.  Her heart was broken at the thought of not being a part of their lives.  I understand this because it is like she is their 3^rd parent.  It was so hard to talk to her about this because it was breaking my heart to know I am taking her away from these children that she loves so much, and that I am taking her away from my kids who love her so much.  I explained that I had to take this opportunity to be the mom I want to be for my kids now before they are in school all day long and that I didn’t want to look back with regret for not taking this time with them.  She was understanding, but still had a hard time with it as I expected she would.  I know in my heart how in love she is with our children.  

                She worried that she wouldn’t get to work with kids anymore because no one will hire her when she is 62.  I assured her that we would find her a job with a good family before she leaves us.  I am 100% confident that she would get any job she wants as long as she is given the opportunity to interview for it.   It was evident to my husband and me right away the night we interviewed her.  When we closed the door behind her, we didn’t even have to discuss it; we just looked at each other and said, “She’s it, right.”  Nothing more needed to be said because it was so obvious that she was better than we had ever expected.  Later when the initial shock had worn off a bit, I showed her the research I had done on the internet and the families on care.com that I liked for her.  I was happy to see that they were the 2 she liked best too. I shared with her my own selfish hopes that she takes one of those jobs since it is in the same community we live in, which means it would be easy for me to pick her up after work and bring her over to spend time with the kids while I get out of the house with my husband for a few hours.  She seemed to like this idea.  I let her know that I would not be abandoning her completely.  I am still out here in Southern California all by myself without any family to help me in a pinch or to offer me any relief.  So, I was hoping I could still have her come on weekend or after her work hours.  

                With all of these things that I said and did to help lessen the impact for her, I still feel horrible seeing her go through this heartbreak and the pain on her face.   I know she truly loves my children, and that is priceless.  And for myself, I will truly miss her when her last day comes and I will value her even more these last weeks that she is with us.   Today was a big day for second guesses for me.  Still, when I search my heart, I know that staying home with the twins this next year is what is best for us.   I am convinced that if our nanny wasn’t one of the most wonderful people who has ever been in my life, than this would be nearly as hard.