Big Change Ahead

  For me and for my family there are big changes that lie ahead.  I am a 30 year old mother of 2 year old twins.  For the last nine year I have been teaching in the public school systems in different schools in Southern California. I have worked full time since I graduated from college.  Work wise, I know nothing but schools, but that will soon change.  I am about to embark on an adventure/challenge that both scares and excites me.  I am going to be a staying home with my 2 year old twins beginning a month from now. Although I consider myself lucky that I am able to have this opportunity that I have been craving.  As I desperately want to be effective with my children in the same way I am effective with other people's children, I am nervous at the same time. I know that many of the patterns in my life are about to change. 
   Not only will I be alone now without the support of my nanny or of any family in town, but I know that my responsibilities are going to change in away that I don't have experience with.  I know I am going to have to now cook, pay all the household bills, carry out my educational plan for my children, and keep my sanity as an innately social person who will now be confined to the house for the majority of the day.  Although I have been craving this leave from work so desperately, I am not naive and do not believe that it will be a world of roses and perfection.  I don't know exactly what it will be, so I am trying  to prepare for the change.  I am planning, researching, talking to others, so I can smooth the transition.  I know it will be a difficult transition for me.
  Currently, I am very happy as a teacher.  I was happy in my job as a teacher.  I feel accomplished on many different levels as a teacher and this is very hard for me to leave behind.  But harder yet, was dealing with a sneaking guilt that had been growning inside of me.  " What if I am making progress with everyone's' kids but my own."  I have always loved children, and truly love working with them.  However, my strongest compulsion is to stay home with my own kids and to make sure they are getting everything they need to prepare them for life and for the public school system.  I miss my twins so much when I am at work and I want to be their teacher....their influence.  A mom once told me, " If you're not influencing your kids, someone else or something else is."   This powerful statement has stuck with me and lead me to the hard decision I made to stay home.  In my heart and sole, I know that staying home is what is right for my family.  I know I will have strong regrets if I don't. However, I can't help but to have fears that come with any big change, a change that not only affects me, but my whole family.  To me that is the scary part.  Will I be as good as our accomplished nanny has been with us this past 2 year?   Will the kids respond to my teaching, or will they be vying for Mommy time, in the constant competitive way in which they currently do?   Will all list of "experiences I want the kids to have" be completed and will it make a difference?   Will my staying at home change my relationship with my husband in a positive way?   Will me being home change my relationship with my kids in a positive way?  Will this next year make a difference and set the foundation in place for healthy family relationships and education to flourish?  Will the financial burder on my family cause new stress or make us more strongly united? 
   Well, I guess I won't know unless I try.  To me that is the important part.  I want to always live life without regret, and this is my time to seize the day.  The fear of failure is great, because there is so much as risk....all the things that are the most important...my children, my husband, our happiness and security.  To rest assured, I guess I will do what I always do when a big change is coming: RESEARCH AND PLAN.  Right now I am wrapping up loose ends.  On my to do list: Break it to the nanny.   I consider our nanny family, and I do not look forward to announcing my staying home to her.  So, I am currently searching to help  find a new position for her.  I know that this will not help me to escape the emotional part of me taking away the kids that she loves, and also, taking away a wonderful caregiver from my kids.  Hopefully, this research will help me feel  more confident about starting the conversation with her.  I don't like to present problems to people without a solution.  I want to make sure that our Nanny will have a comfortable job in the future.  I am protective of her, just as I am my family.  
   In that same way, I am tying up loose ends at work.   I am trying to find people to take my positions as a teacher, after school tutor, Credit recovery teacher, school site council member, and member of the leadership team.  I find it eases my apprehension when I come forward with a plan.  Next on my list of things to do, is to determine how to in-cooperate all of my goals as a mom and homemaker, into a weekly and even daily planning.  I know I have to do this because failing to plan is planning to fail.   So, tonight as I type this, I am nervous about the decisions I am making and the lives I am affecting as they are the most important to me.